


Heavy heart

by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice)



Series: Saphael Winter Tales [11]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Bane Chronicles - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depressed Simon, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hotel Dumort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Winter, caring Raphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-02 21:34:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8684167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiseYourVoice/pseuds/mckvch
Summary: Simon didn't know how long he had already stayed immobile in his bed but suddenly there was a knock at the door, cutting through the silence like a knife and causing him to draw the blanket higher, disappearing almost completely under it. Another knock, followed by silence. Simon assumed the person gave up and left but then he heard the door being pushed open and if he had been able to learn how to use his abilities he probably knew who just entered his room."You're still in bed?" He recognised Raphael's voice even muffled through the blanket over his head and at least a tiny bit of tension left his body. He didn't answer but the older vampire closed the door again and stepped closer. The sound of a glass being placed on the nightstand could be heard and Simon realised the clan leader had brought a glass with blood because he needed to feed. His stomach churned at the memory of the metallic taste of blood in his mouth and he curled together more as if he could protect himself from the memories this way.





	

Simon had been living in the Hotel Dumort for about two weeks now, almost three weeks since he had been turned, and he had really tried to get used to being a vampire but it seemed impossible. The other clan members were pretty nice or at least polite, clearly also needing time to get used to their new fledgeling, but Raphael seemed to be always around to take care of him. The clan leader seemed annoyed by his stupid questions all the time but answered most of them in one way or another.

Simon knew he already kind of trusted Raphael, despite him being the one who had kidnapped him, but it was Camille he blamed for his current situation anyway. Raphael had warned him away and hadn't wanted him to be turned, that much had been obvious, and now he seemed to feel responsible for taking care of Simon.

The newly turned vampire tried his best to adjust to the situation and it had seemed to work well during the first few weeks with all the distractions. There had been a lot going on and Simon didn't really have time to stop and think, to let his new situation really sink in. This night, when he got up shortly after sundown, it had suddenly hit him. The realisation that he couldn't just go back to live with his family, that it could take forever until he might be allowed to see them again without risk, that he and Clary drifted further apart by the day and that his whole life had been turned upside down. He wasn't Simon Lewis anymore and he himself didn't even know who he was at this point.

The realisation had hit him unexpectedly and quite heavily, making it impossible for him to do more than sit up in his bed. It didn't take too long for him to lie back turn and curl up under the blanket that did nothing to spend his undead body much warmth. He wasn't physically cold anyway, couldn't be, but he still felt a weird kind of cold settling around his heart, clinging to his bones and weighing him down. He wanted his mind to shut up but it went into overdrive, yelling at him to get up and keep going, pleading for him to just give up because none of this was right, telling him how awful and _wrong_ it was to consume blood, that he was a monster and betrayed his religion.

Simon didn't know how long he had already stayed immobile in his bed but suddenly there was a knock at the door, cutting through the silence like a knife and causing him to draw the blanket higher, disappearing almost completely under it. Another knock, followed by silence. Simon assumed the person gave up and left but then he heard the door being pushed open and if he had been able to learn how to use his abilities he probably knew who just entered his room.

"You're still in bed?" He recognised Raphael's voice even muffled through the blanket over his head and at least a tiny bit of tension left his body. He didn't answer but the older vampire closed the door again and stepped closer. The sound of a glass being placed on the nightstand could be heard and Simon realised the clan leader had brought a glass with blood because he needed to feed. His stomach churned at the memory of the metallic taste of blood in his mouth and he curled together more as if he could protect himself from the memories this way.

He felt Raphael's gaze lingering on his curled up form before a sigh could be heard and the rustling of clothes, the other's jacket, before the bed dipped under the weight of another body.

"It finally caught up to you, huh?" Raphael said in a low, almost sad voice and Simon tensed up when he felt the touch of a hand on his back, resting there carefully and only moving in small circles when the fledgeling managed to relax again. Simon breathed out and he felt like he was close to suffocating, which didn't make any sense because he was undead, he didn't even need to breathe but it would probably take forever to let go of this habit.

"Everyone is hit by the weight of being turned soon or later. With the realisation what they have lost and that their life suddenly has no meaning anymore because everything they worked towards is suddenly impossible to pursue," the clan leader said slowly, rubbing comforting circles into Simon's back in a surprising gentleness. Simon didn't reply but he still listened, despite the fact that Raphael's words tugged painfully at his unbeating heart.

"I will help you through this, I promise. Nobody expects you to bounce back immediately and accept your new self because we all went through the exact same."

"You probably didn't..." Simon heard himself murmur, his voice slurred and croaky because it felt almost impossible to move his lips and tongue, to form the words and get them out.

"Believe me, I did. I might be the clan leader and kind of comfortable with myself by now but it took a long time for me to get to this point. I had help, someone who kept me from giving up and I know how important it is to have someone by your side when all you want to do is hurl yourself into the sun and give up before even trying, believe me," Raphael said softly, hand moving upwards to gently tug the blanket down a little bit. Simon almost whimpered when the other's fingers brushed through his hair, burying in the dark curls and caressing the back of his head like you would do to sooth a child.

"Magnus saved me. I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for him and I was just like you, curled up in a bed that wasn't mine, feeling too heavy to move or to go on. For me it was like this for almost the whole first week until I managed to get up again and I would've have made it without Magnus," Raphael admitted and Simon felt like the other never really told this story to anyone because his voice was low and filled with emotions.

"I promise I will do the same for you. I will stay with you until you feel better and take care of you. You're part of the clan, even if you will need more time to accept this as the truth, but you're part of our family and as I said once before: vampires take care of their family. You're not alone with this and you will get better, I swear."

Simon closed his eyes with a sigh and for some reason, he actually did feel a tiny bit better and less alone. It was weird to think of the clan as his family because to him, his mother, sister, Clary, Jocelyn and Luke were his family - they always would be. But maybe it wasn't too bad to add more people to this inner circle over time. Simon had always wanted a big family but he had never expected to get one, especially not this way.


End file.
